


Hajime Listens to Radiohead and Cries

by Hey_Peter



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Crying, Depression, F/M, Gen, Guilt, Insomnia, One-Sided Attraction, Song Lyrics, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-30
Updated: 2020-05-30
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:47:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24458437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hey_Peter/pseuds/Hey_Peter
Summary: (Semi continuation of Naegi's Pet Project)Hajime finds himself unable to sleep and listens to a song to try and comfort himself.
Relationships: Hinata Hajime/Nanami Chiaki (One-Sided), Hinata Hajime/Owari Akane (implied), Kuzuryu Fuyuhiko/Pekoyama Peko (Implied), Sonia Nevermind/Soda Kazuichi (Implied)
Kudos: 15





	Hajime Listens to Radiohead and Cries

**Author's Note:**

> Found this song the other night and wanted to write this as a writing exercise lol

No matter how many people were aboard the same ship as him, Hajime couldn’t help but feel alone. He knew it had been at least a week since he and the other survivors had boarded, but keeping track of the days felt like a fruitless endeavor. Makoto said they were unsure if the rest of the class could be awoken from their comatose state, but every passing day felt like the ticking of an invisible, inevitable clock in Hajime’s mind that would eventually point to a resolute ‘no’. 

He laughed dryly at his own cynicism, taking a strange joy in uprooting his own claims of hope and prosperity. Not that he ever believed them, truly. They were words to encourage those more deserving around him, those who still saw a glimpse of redemption off in the distance and possessed the power to reach it. 

Hajime’s arms were tired of reaching, and his eyes have long-since adjusted to the light. It’s out of my grasp. He reminded himself. I don’t deserve another chance. He knew that those around him would want nothing more than for him to cast away these dark thoughts and try to find purpose once more, but Hajime’s emotional barriers had been working overtime. Every shout from Kazuichi, every jest from Fuuyuhiko, and every plea from Sonia fell on deaf ears and passed right through his skull like it wasn’t even there. 

Hollowness was a welcomed feeling to Hajime. He found it easier to ignore and repress rather than go looking for trouble and finding himself buried in hurt once more. He couldn’t help but think of Komaeda’s voice at the back of his mind, spitting his cruel words at him like a snake that found its helpless, pathetic prey. 

Thinking was an exhausting concept that often kept him awake at night, so Hajime took to spending the night hours outside of his cabin and overlooking the inky black sea and sky. The ocean was at peace and rocked the ship gently like a newborn child. The salty smell and crisp winds felt reinvigorating on Hajime’s skin. As much as he despised the overflowing black hair he had when he was Izuru, he did miss the sensation of it flowing like a curtain behind him. Fuuyuhiko had offered to cut it to the best of his ability, and offer Hajime took wholeheartedly. To his surprise, the former Kuzuryu hair was a force to be reckoned with when he had a pair of scissors and a comb in his hands and was able to shape Hajime’s locks into a decent reconstruction of his old hair. It was still far darker than before, but the effort was considerate enough. Hajime wanted to joke that Fuuyuhiko had a future as the Ultimate Barber, but thinking of Ultimate talents felt like a grave taboo.

Black waves overlapped and crashed into each other softly like the strokes of a paintbrush on a blank canvas, the briny wind passed through Hajime’s pale body like breath through a recorder, making a soft hum as it did. 

Being outside was as close to sensory deprivation as it gets. No sight, no touch, just minimal hearing, and taste. No thoughts meant no memories of pain could grace his fragile mind, which felt like a blessing he hardly deserved. Hajime’s arms fell to his sides and hit something solid in the left pocket of his pants. Reaching into his pocket revealed a small smartphone with a bundled pair of earbuds wrapped around it tightly. The phone had no SIM card in it, so the only function it served was to tell the time and play music. Makoto had given all five survivors one of these partially functioning phones to use to pass the time as they waited to see if the other students would awake from their stasis pods. Kazuichi had already modified his to perform a bunch of features that Hajime could scarcely remember at the moment.

Unless you were the Ultimate mechanic, these were glorified MP3 players. Untangling the earbud wire, Hajime put both buds into the corresponding ear and turned on the device, wincing at the bright light stinging his eyes. Opening the music app, he scrolled down aimlessly until he had found a track he was unfamiliar with. ‘True Love Waits’ by Radiohead appeared and carried a spectral presence with it, the grey water featured on the album cover calling out to Hajime like a friend in need.   
He tapped the ‘play’ button and let the music play as he stared into the ocean. 

The hauntingly-soft piano chords somehow felt strong enough to reverberate Hajime’s ribs, despite how soft they were. His time as Izuru left him with exhaustive musical knowledge, so he recognized the gloomy combination of the C and E keys right next to each other, and felt their full effects. The first set of lyrics accompanying the piano strikes made him catch his breath.

I’ll drown my beliefs,  
To have your babies.

Hajime stared that much closer into the ocean, letting the lyrics hold sway over him. I’ll drown my beliefs, I’ll drown my beliefs, I’ll drown my beliefs. He began to question his place on the ship, his place within the survivors. His resolve was already paper-thin, but this song seemed to almost mock him further. For just a moment, he wondered if he hopped over the railing and leaped into the sea, would anyone really care? Would they be affected? Hajime let the song continue to play instead of pursuing the thoughts.   
The second set of lyrics pulled him out of his desperate thoughts and left him feeling confused.

I’ll dress like your niece,  
I’ll wash your swollen feet. 

He wasn’t sure how to interpret that stanza, no matter how he thought cross-dressing and washing feet were related. 

Just don’t leave,  
Don’t leave. 

Hajime’s blood ran cold in his veins. The vocalist was able to sound so distant, yet so close and personal. The lyrics sounded desperate like despite how soft they were sung, they were a loud plea to beg someone to stay with runny tears in their eyes. Hajime felt a hole in his stomach open up as he imagined himself shouting those lyrics to no one in particular. 

Who would want me to stay with them? He thought. I wouldn’t want to stay with myself.   
Were the lyrics meant to express friendship? A relationship? Hajime wasn’t sure, but he was hurting all the same. The piano drowned out the sound of the ocean, replacing the gentleness of nature with a calculated sense of dread and apathy, like watching a car crash in slow-motion. 

I’m not living,   
I’m just killing time. 

The hole in Hajime turned into a chasm that swallowed up what remained of his lukewarm mood and left him feeling self-conscious. He loathed the idea of him projecting onto the song because despite it being just music without feelings and without a brain, he didn’t want to infect anything with his ugly presence. Wasting time was something he didn’t like to admit was his only hobby but was true nonetheless. Everyone else had something to do aboard the ship; Fuyuhiko pestered Makoto and the other Future Foundation members about their status of the sleeping students, Sonia found joy in making charm bracelets for everyone aboard, something which Hajime didn’t feel worthy of wearing. Souda stole tiny bits of machinery to tinker with, and Akane was deeply committed to a light bodyweight exercise as she rapidly recovered from despair-induced anorexia.   
Hajime’s heart fluttered and his shirt felt tight when he thought about Akane, the soft piano chords reminding him of how soft her hands were when she first came out of the stasis chambers back on the island.

Your tiny hands,  
Your crazy kitten smile.

Hajime felt embarrassed at the next set of lyrics, further progressing his theory that this song was out to mock him. He could never deny that Akane had a gorgeous smile that positively radiated a swelling in his heart but admitting that felt humiliating. Something about Akane just hit all the right switches in Hajime’s body, which resurfaced stinging memories of his time inside the simulation. He felt the exact same way about Chiaki, that lovely, lovely girl. 

They were exact opposites on nearly everything, but Hajime saw some deeper connection between the two. Akane was energetic and spunky while Chiaki was noncommittal and passive, but both had their intersecting points. Chiaki was passionate and driven during trials, and Akane often found herself hardly uttering a single word during trials. They felt similar, too similar for Hajime to ignore. 

Thinking about Chiaki felt like God had played a cruel, deserving joke on him. For the first time in his entire life he had finally felt like he knew someone who he could share his life with and feel completely vulnerable with, but she was never real. Out of everyone, she was the AI the Future Foundation sent to rescue the students. He knew he was being selfish, but he wished that someone else, nearly anyone, could’ve been the AI instead. As guilty as he felt for dismissing real people’s identities and lives just for the sake of Chiaki, he missed talking to her, playing games with her, and missed her kindness above all else.

Resentment against the Future Foundation was something Hajime wanted to have, but it felt like a bug against the windshield against reality. It was his fault for getting feelings for an AI, not anyone else's. 

Hajime held both of his hands together, pretending one of them was Chiaki’s. How pathetic is that? He mocked himself. I’m so terrible about thinking about Akane like that. She doesn’t deserve someone like me pining over her just cause-

Hajime’s thoughts came to a revolving halt when the chorus came back with dreary, melancholic vigor.

Just don’t leave,  
Don’t leave. 

Just don’t leave. Leave. Left. Chiaki left and was gone, forever, never to return. 

Gone forever. Left me. She’s gone and she’s never coming back. 

A resounding chuckle wheezed itself out of Hajime’s chest as he laughed to himself to distract the building tears in his eyes. His lungs soon ran out of breath and he was quickly reduced to a heap on the floor, feeling like a child at a funeral. Death was something Hajime thought he had become used to over his time in the simulation, but reality was prepared to play one last prank on him. The other students had a chance at survival, but not Chiaki. There was absolutely nothing that could be done but accept the fact that she would never come to grace Hajime’s life again, never touch a video game, and never inspire anyone with her sweet words filled with hope and compassion. The chasm inside Hajime seemed to feel like it was overtaking his whole body, leaving him a crumbling shell of who he was. 

Fuyuhiko had a chance to see Peko again, and Souda might even get a date with Sonia if he begged enough, but there was nothing left for Hajime. An absolute zero hit him like a bullet and left him dying - wishing he was dead.

Hajime was able to weep silently as he picked himself up and leaned over the railing, letting his overflowing tears wash into the ocean like the insignificant worthless drops of water they were.  
Insignificant, worthless. He repeated in his head. He felt like a droplet of water in the ocean, thoroughly ashamed of his own being. If a random song is able to break him so easily, then he stood no chance against the smoldering remains of the world around him. It was all hopeless.   
And true love waits.   
That was the last lyric Hajime heard before he let the earbuds fall out of his ears and drop into the deck, the hard plastic clacking against the wood. Hajime’s heaving breaths were exhausting, but there was nothing he could do to stop the emotional onslaught that rendered him so helpless. 

It was completely hopeless.


End file.
